The City That Never Sleeps

posted : Saturday, June 23, 2012

title : Sigh

Lately I’ve been feeling rather empty.

I don’t feel warmth, or anything that could possibly give me a tinge of hope that I’m someone special, in anyone’s life.

Maybe so, but I don’t know. I just feel empty for some reason.

Maybe because after all this years, I still haven’t found the true meaning of love.

Never really got the chance to experience it first hand.

But then again, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t even feel pretty.

Maybe I’m not attractive enough for anyone to even consider dating me.

What more than to just glance and me. And even for the slightest moment thinks that I’m pretty. I’ve never got that attention, that feeling when you get when you know someone likes you, someone admires you, someone really wants to be with you.

Then again, this society is a very fucked up place. People will judge you based on how you look. If they don’t like your exterior, don’t even think that they’ll try to get to know for who you are inside. For all you know, you’ll be pushed aside, all alone feeling like trash. No matter how hard you try to say that you look at personality, you will always be blinded by pretty faces.

No doubt about that, even I’m like that so I can’t really blame anyone else for thinking that way towards me.

But I really crave that feeling. When will I ever get a partner?

Now that’s another sticky situation. I’m still trying to figure out myself.

What do I like really? Maybe it’s because I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone at all.

Maybe, maybe not. I’m so conflicted, what do I do?

I want to love and be loved, who doesn’t right? But honestly, deep in my heart I ask myself, who wants me?

Is there even anyone, just anyone even considered wanting to be with me?

Even for the slightest moment looked at me sincerely, adoringly. I don’t know, is it just me?

Should I wait, well I’m waiting, but for how much longer? There’s just so much that I can take.

All the people around me who has their special someone, I’m so jealous of them.

I feel so dark and low every time I think about it.

Maybe I need to lose some weight; maybe if I tried hard enough, I can be as pretty as those girls out there.

I’m trying but every time I look at them, I get so bashed and my self-esteem just plunged a hundred miles down.

I’m not photogenic, I don’t look good in most of the clothing I have, I’m not the most stylish person out there, I’m not the most confident one.

Instead what am I? I’m unbearably shy around new people, I have such a low self-esteem, I constantly worry about how people would see me, I have fat thighs, I have a chubby face.

I used to like the attention when all my friends come up to me and pinch my cheeks saying I’m cute and adorable and what not.

But I’m tired, I’m tired of always being remembered as that cute girl.

A cute girl can only stay in one’s mind for so long, I want to be that pretty girl that everyone admires, that girl that has all the eyes on her when she walks into a room.

When is that? When can I be that girl?

People treat you nicer when you’re prettier, don’t they?

1:57:00 AM

posted : Monday, March 5, 2012

title :

I did a medical check up lately mainly for the poly admission. So mafan leh, need all these documents and shit just to go into tertiary education aiyoo.
Well anyway, got sidetracked a bit haha, I was curious to know how much I weighed.
I've been basically overweight all the way from primary 4 I think? All the way to mid of sec 4.
So about 5 years. I used to not care about what I looked like. Pretty much a tomboy, short bob hair, jeans, t-shirt, very raw you can say.

As I grew up, I feel more insecure with myself. I remember vividly this moment I was in the van, on the way to madrasah. This girl I think 2 years older than I am told me, "You better lose weight, because in secondary school you will get bullied alot." I was primary 5 then.
I just laughed and shook off that comment, but inside my head I knew it was somewhat true.
But thankfully I didn't get bullied in secondary school.
In sec one I wasn't that tall but when I reached sec 4 I was like way way taller than most of the guys in my batch.

Okay back-track to sec 2. I knew I wasn't attractive or anything so I very well know that no guys won't even glance at me. And I didn't have a crush on anyone either, like a major serious crush. Well okay one, but just for a while just lust.
No boys caught my attention, I repeat no boys. Yeah of course some boys I know are attractive but I didn't have that kind of feelings towards them. At all. Why is that? I kept asking myself that question, I didn't have an answer. Back then, even now kinda. On the other hand, girls.. Save that for later.

In secondary 3 then I started to lose a lot of weight. And I was determined to lose weight, but still I don't really care how I looked. At the end of secondary school, I lost quite a few kilos. Enough for my family members to notice. Then cum just a few months ago from now, I started to be interested in looking good, appealing whatever you call it. Started to wear make up lah, contacts lah you know all the normal girls stuff. Now I look in the mirror, I'm still not satisfied with my body, I'm at a healthy weight now but I still want to cut off that excess bulkiness you know. Just want to feel good, confident, comfortable with myself now that I'm going into poly. I feel myself maturing a lot. Physically and mentally.

I weighed 75 and dropped to 68 now. I know it very typical and annoying, social image, degrading generation whatever but I really want to go down to a 60. And I'm determined to get to that goal weight. I'm going to keep track of that on this blog and hopefully get there. Sooner or later.

8:52:00 PM

posted :

title :

Damn, I still don't feel good. Shall blog my heart to its fullest.

Seriously lah, I feel so damn sad you know. Tsk like anybody cares lol
But I think once I step into poly life, it'll be a bit better? I hope
I'm so ready to meet new people, not that I'm going to abandon all the current friends it's just that I think its time to really grow up and meet new people independently.
And I'm going to miss my girls lah.. I'm the only one going to SP *sobsob* but it's alright I'll keep in touch with them darlings.
I wonder if they know how affectionate I can be hahah I think some of them do. Aaanyway, I'll save this talk for later.
But on a lighter note, I heard SP Mass Comm students are really happening so really excited about that. I'm just a lil nervous for poly life in general.
I mean anything could happen right?

Okay I'll think I'll stop now, I'll talk about other stuff in the next consecutive posts.

8:41:00 PM